Thursday, 3 September 2015

Who Am I?

Every once in a while, I turn a page on the calendar or see someone that I haven't seen in months and the time that I've missed whacks me in the face, demanding to know why I ignored it. I look in the mirror and realise that months have just disappeared without my realising.

This time a year ago, I barely knew my now best friend. I couldn't do half of the things that I can now. I hadn't done any of the amazing things that I have done this year. 

And yet, there were so many things I wanted to do that, still, I haven't so much as tried. I set myself stupid targets or challenges which I don't forget, but I neglect to ever realise. There are things that I want to do, things I need to say to people or things that I need to try that I just... haven't. 

On a bad day, that makes me angry. I see people who have done so much since I last saw them and I have nothing to tell them. I'm still, just, me.

I hate those moments where you blink and a year just disappears. We waste so much time. Even sleeping feels wasteful when I consider how many hours I could have spent doing things.

But, the fact is, I am not the same now as I was even a week ago. I might look the same when I look in the mirror. I might even feel the same. I might not have done anything new. But I'm thinking things now that I wasn't then and planning things and getting ready to do things. Because, there's time. There is always time if we want it. Even if life ends tomorrow, there is still time because what I think between now and then still matters. 

I know that I've changed since the last time I thought about who I am. And I will have changed again by the time I think again. Somehow, I always look back and think "dear God, why did you do that?"

That's good, though. Because that means that hindsight is doing its job and telling me when I've been an idiot, stopping me from falling down the same holes again. It is this that makes doing nothing okay: sometimes, it is the nothings that we most benefit from. 

I might not achieve anything tomorrow and that is okay. Because I will be better than I am now. That is all that matters. 

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